Meds

Stopped taking my meds two months ago
Guess you could say i missed feeling low
1000 voices in my head that hate myself
Then I make shit decisions and fuck my mental health
Still wish I was unstable and got drunk just to feel
Happier when I’m questioning whether I’m really real
What’s the point of paying 50 quid for therapy
When I’m much better being sad like I’ve always been
Would rather want to kill myself than improve myself, not much good for my mental health
My therapist is gonna lose it when she hears this
At least death has some finality
Bit I’ve made depression my whole personality, not ready to face the reality
Now it’s difficult to separate depression from me and even worse when I cant seem to break free of the misery that this life seems to be.
So when the reaper comes calling and puts an end to my endless falling
I hope that you can see that you made me happy but that happiness is not the be all amd end all when the rest of your life is so crappy.
Now that I can maybe find some peace in deaths sweet release. Just tell me you won’t mourn the deceased like you hurt the living.

Sad one from a whole ago

– Hope

Relapse

I relapsed last month. Three years of progress reversed in one night. Now relapses occur every other week. I’m not even ashamed. Sometimes I think I deserve this, to never get better. For now, I’m counting the days since I last relapsed in single digits. I’m back on 0, wondering if I’ll ever make it past this.

Envy is a Sin

Are you kissing her right now? Your arm slung over her waist as you watch some stupid film and I sit here crying over 2000s romcoms like it was never my fucking fault in the first place. I’m so fascinatingly incredible and ruining every chance of my own happiness. Dragging down everyone else in the process. I had you right there and I let you fall ten feet below because I will always be terrified. I am so undeserving of your goodness and your light. You always will desevre more than trauma and heartbreak, you deserve love as pure as your own. And that, I do not have. I have no right to be jealous but the green snake in me is writhing at the thought of you and her in the sheets. If envy is a sin then I need to find enlightenment for the tainted soul within me. And if I must punish myself and purge for the sins that I have committed for a promise of your happiness then I would wait in purgatory and walk through hell for the rest of eternity. Your happiness means everything to me. You will always be light and I will always be poison. I will not taint you too.

-hope x

There’s hope out the window

Everyone always asks me: why them? Why twenty one pilots? This is why. Because every time I walk into one of their concerts I feel such love and heartbreak In the arena. This band, their music, it saved my life. I see a thousand people who have been through the same thing, who are lucky to be there tonight. I hear people sobbing and crying and laughing. I see two people on stage who faced the same battle and won, who care. Who hug the fans who cry, who scream and shout to tell us we’re loved. Who’s main message is to stay alive. Sometimes I stand in these packed arenas and I close my eyes and I just listen, because that’s the sound of 12,000 other people who made it. I cry and I grin and afterwards I leave with something new, I feel hope and I feel happy. And that’s why they’re my favourite band. Not only do they have amazing music, and they know how to put on a show. But it’s something special, it’s something so incredibly special and it helps me through every low day. It feels like home |-//

-Hope x

One less heart to break

Dear people who deserve better,

Dear past, present and maybe future self,

I understand that sometimes you want to end it all; The non stop pain; the demons that whisper to you at midnight; the darkness that surrounds you. I understand that sometimes the cacophony of echo in your head makes sense- maybe you should just stop breathing, maybe that would help. Here’s the thing, when you’re at that point, the brink of existence, you’re walking a thin line. Every rational thought leaves your brain, I understand. You’re being choked. You just want the pain to stop. But think. What about your friends?- they love you. What about your family?- they’ll miss you. What about every person who you’ve ever affected in life?- you changed them. You can’t leave life now, you’ll be missing out. You have so much left to live for. There are so many people left to live for. There’s the whole world out there waiting for you to explore it, I know it seem impossible right now but things do get better, you will be loved. You are loved. You will be missed my so many people. This world doesn’t need one less heart to break. We need you here. So lift your head up and keep pushing, because I promise there’s like at the end of the tunnel, if you can’t see it, you just haven’t turned the corner yet. I believe in you and i believe in your ability to survive. I know that it seems like all hope is lost, I know that you want to get rid of the pain. But suicide isn’t your only way out. Sometimes you have to fight your way through. There’s always darkness before there’s light. Always.

-Hope xx