Meds

Stopped taking my meds two months ago
Guess you could say i missed feeling low
1000 voices in my head that hate myself
Then I make shit decisions and fuck my mental health
Still wish I was unstable and got drunk just to feel
Happier when I’m questioning whether I’m really real
What’s the point of paying 50 quid for therapy
When I’m much better being sad like I’ve always been
Would rather want to kill myself than improve myself, not much good for my mental health
My therapist is gonna lose it when she hears this
At least death has some finality
Bit I’ve made depression my whole personality, not ready to face the reality
Now it’s difficult to separate depression from me and even worse when I cant seem to break free of the misery that this life seems to be.
So when the reaper comes calling and puts an end to my endless falling
I hope that you can see that you made me happy but that happiness is not the be all amd end all when the rest of your life is so crappy.
Now that I can maybe find some peace in deaths sweet release. Just tell me you won’t mourn the deceased like you hurt the living.

Sad one from a whole ago

– Hope

Breathing

“Hold on right, this ride is a wild one”

Sitting on my floor, sheets of creamy paper, scattered around the devastation that is my bedroom. But it’s enough. In the midst of tearing the remains of all my exam work to shreds. I’ve realised something. Something that a year ago I couldn’t even imagine because in the moment I want to live. I want to see every sunrise and sunset I have on this planet, I want to grow old with my friends and spend so many glazed memories with them. I want to make mistakes and learn and live. I’ve realised that right now, I don’t want to take my life, never again to attempt that. Because I want to be alive and spend every day breathing, maybe sad, tired, stressed. But alive and breathing.

Music is pounding in my ears. I’m lying down now. But not in pain, or emptiness. Shock, maybe, but nothing bad. Because I want to live every second of my life to the fullest, starting now. I may be ill, sad, and a downright misery at times but I’m determined to never let it bring me so close to the brink again. I can do this, and so can you.

All my love – Hope xx