Meds

Stopped taking my meds two months ago
Guess you could say i missed feeling low
1000 voices in my head that hate myself
Then I make shit decisions and fuck my mental health
Still wish I was unstable and got drunk just to feel
Happier when I’m questioning whether I’m really real
What’s the point of paying 50 quid for therapy
When I’m much better being sad like I’ve always been
Would rather want to kill myself than improve myself, not much good for my mental health
My therapist is gonna lose it when she hears this
At least death has some finality
Bit I’ve made depression my whole personality, not ready to face the reality
Now it’s difficult to separate depression from me and even worse when I cant seem to break free of the misery that this life seems to be.
So when the reaper comes calling and puts an end to my endless falling
I hope that you can see that you made me happy but that happiness is not the be all amd end all when the rest of your life is so crappy.
Now that I can maybe find some peace in deaths sweet release. Just tell me you won’t mourn the deceased like you hurt the living.

Sad one from a whole ago

– Hope

Relapse

I relapsed last month. Three years of progress reversed in one night. Now relapses occur every other week. I’m not even ashamed. Sometimes I think I deserve this, to never get better. For now, I’m counting the days since I last relapsed in single digits. I’m back on 0, wondering if I’ll ever make it past this.

Envy is a Sin

Are you kissing her right now? Your arm slung over her waist as you watch some stupid film and I sit here crying over 2000s romcoms like it was never my fucking fault in the first place. I’m so fascinatingly incredible and ruining every chance of my own happiness. Dragging down everyone else in the process. I had you right there and I let you fall ten feet below because I will always be terrified. I am so undeserving of your goodness and your light. You always will desevre more than trauma and heartbreak, you deserve love as pure as your own. And that, I do not have. I have no right to be jealous but the green snake in me is writhing at the thought of you and her in the sheets. If envy is a sin then I need to find enlightenment for the tainted soul within me. And if I must punish myself and purge for the sins that I have committed for a promise of your happiness then I would wait in purgatory and walk through hell for the rest of eternity. Your happiness means everything to me. You will always be light and I will always be poison. I will not taint you too.

-hope x

Sometimes there’s someone

Who doesn’t love a bit of melodrama from a while ago

Sometimes someone walks into to your life and fucks it up forever. They walk into your life and straight to your heart as if they were always holding a key that you didn’t even know existed. Sometimes that someone will hold your heart for eternity and you don’t even know. Always able to destroy you. But what no one tells you is that finding out that they hold your heart is the most earth shattering moment you’ll ever have. I put on the blinkers. Build my wall brick by brick and try hard to forget that you’re holding my heart and no one even knows. Fuck I didn’t even know. Someone told me the other day that there will always be someone you’re a little in love with and that I’ll make peace with it. I’m not sure I want to make peace with it. But here’s the thing, I could scream it from the highest rooftop and let it be known to the whole world yet then you’ll know. And you’ll be standing there with my heart of glass which is already so fragmented. That scares me more than monsters and the dark and everything bad in the world. Maybe one day, you’ll only be holding a small part of my heart and I’ll move on. But you’ll always be there, holding onto a part of me and you’ll never know. Never know that you’ll have the power to crush it into a million shards and render me never the same.

Hahahaha I’m fucked

-Hope Xx

When i recorded this

When I recorded this, the rain had just stopped. It smelt like dew and thunder and summer showers. When I recorded this, I could close my eyes and believe everything was okay in the world; if only for a split second. When I recorded this, I could feel my heart beating, keeping me alive, more than it sometimes feels. The street was lit by soft amber light and I sat in my room in darkness. The air was warm, pleasant, thick from the downpour. For one moment, when I recorded this, I thought it was all going to be alright.

-Hope x

First

Here’s the story of /some/ of my first kisses

i. Running around the house, hiding the stupid image of 7 year old me from you. Chance number one, been and gone. Soft sheets and playful laughs turned serious eyes and small smiles. Nervous hearts and soft breaths because this one really is my first. Stuttered confession and bashful gaze, you led me all the way. Tender and sweet and pushed no further. Just how I always wanted. Forgettable in a few years I think, just sweet and careful. My very first. Not to last.

ii. Same place, different soul. Nervous laughter and awkward energy. Not the best fit; we make it work. Barely there, quick and brief. Guess you call that holding back. Rather uninspiring in terms of first kisses, but it will do. The rest to come made up for it. Sweet and intoxicating, deadly and lovely. Definitely made up for it. But in a few years you’ll slip my mind, ripples before calm water once again.

iii. Drunk, messy but I’ve always wanted to kiss them lips. Stained red and tasting of sweet alcohol. Words stumble out my mouth, tripping over each other in a slurred sentence. God it’s been such a long time of yearning. I don’t remember much. Heated and catastrophic and amazing. Not helping me. Over too soon. Never again. Oh, maybe once more. Enough. I think I’ll remember this one for a while.

iv. Your cologne still makes my heart pound, my head spin. The sofa of my living room. My head in your lap, your hands in my hair. Warmth and comfort and home. Soft laughter, teasing and joy. Eyes to mouth to TV. God I was nervous. The thrill of the chase was easily replaced by soft lips and tender embraces. Solid, encompassing. Perfect. Yet wanting and experienced and just too much but no enough. Everything all at once and nothing at all. All things beautiful in the world in one touch. I can’t stop thinking about it. I won’t ever stop thinking about it. This one, this one was special.

Until it was no longer something beautiful, instead a poison, an addiction that tears us apart yet draws us in, just to spit us out again in the morning. Something so cruel and heart wrenching, doused in bitter memories of pain and shouting and passion. Your lips are a sin now, a sickly fixation I can’t forget. It may destroy me.

V. Maybe one day I’ll know the feeling of your lips on my skin, on my neck, on my own. Hands bumping, shoulders brushing as we walk. Private smiles and boisterous laughter, a happiness that you seem to bring. Shared secrets at two am or whispered confessions covered with funny stories and careless nonchalance. New familiarity and forgotten memories. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to know your lips, then I tell myself not to worry because I’m certain that I never will.

-Hope Xx