Back to square one

Hi I haven’t posted in about 2 months, go me. Have a sad one to make it up to you.

Some trigger warnings, be careful x

It’s been a while since the last time I felt this low. I always forget how bad the crash is, how much I want to rip into my own skin and how strong the urges tug. Eyes sting with tears forming a steady stream, at this point if i wake up tomorrow I’d find the nearest convenient cliff and throw myself off it. God I hate this so much, my entire evening ruined. Everything fucking hurts and I’ve fucked everything up and my parents hate me and I’m a failure and I’ve isolated myself. I hate myself, I hate my brain. I want everything to go away. Please make everything go away, how can I sleep when my brains so awake. Yet when I sleep I don’t want to ever get up again. And now that Ive hurt everyone else I need to hurt myself too. I’m back to square one, thought I’d never be here again, relapse huh? Funny that, at least it isn’t scissors and skin this time. I want to sleep, I want to stay awake. I don’t want to live. I’m overreacting. Fuck everything is too much and all of this is too little and I want to go home but I am home and I don’t know what home is anymore because my brain is such a scary place and that’s not home. Aching, ticking time bomb heart and broken soul yet sometimes not and I wish I was happy again. Have I even been happy or have I been coping and when was the last time I felt numb was it yesterday or was it 3 months ago and why is my life such chaos. Make it stop, dear god I want it to stop. I don’t want to be alive

-Hope xx

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Locked in the trunk

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry and shout and manically laugh, I wanted to sob and to whisper. I wanted to do anything to explain to her that if she cared she wouldn’t be doing this but I’m that moment I realised something, I can’t control this. The universe is doing it again, fucking up anything that has the opportunity to be good and it is completely out of my control. That terrifies me. I can’t monitor what passes through their head, I can’t stop the dark thoughts; I can only keep searching for the light.

When I look in the mirror I no longer see the half decent looking girl with a confident smile, I see the real me. Ugly on the inside and out, crippled by years of taunting and jeering about my build and weight. Haunched over as if trying to cover every inch of skin that could possibly be used as weapon against her. The girl I see isn’t crying, she has no tears left but she is broken. Broken and horrifically ugly. Some things you can never change, she will always be ugly to me. That’s why they always leave.

-Hope x

Normal

A stream of consciousness—-

How am I feeling? I’m aching, I’m numb, I hurt. Emotions are so confusing these days, sometimes it feels like my entire world has been shaken up like a snow globe at the mercy of an eager 5 year old. I don’t know up from down; happy or sad; high or low. I’m not sure at the moment, I may be upset, I think I want to cry? I don’t know why though. Is this mental illness? Age, hormones, a phase. When other people go to bed do they wonder what they’re doing here? Is anyone else shell shocked because 17 is just round the corner when 16 nearly wasn’t made. Is it normal to have a deep urge for the fall; to fantasise stark white rooms and heart monitors? Am I normal? In that case, what does normal even classify as? Is it the crushing weight of societal pressures to conform or is it something else entirely. If normality is something we strive for then I don’t want to be normal. In the same way I don’t want to be perfect. I think I would like to be a little less fucked up though, sometimes it can be difficult to describe the numbness that fills my veins and the heaviness that seeps through my limbs. I think I need help. Help, another weird concept. Attention, seeking it, is that what I’m doing? Ironic because everyone who has ever self harmed will tell you the ice cold terror of someone finding out. The heart stopping pause that may just be a fraction too long; or is that your imagination? And yet here stands a million people who have never stood in your shoes, ready to mock you when you fall. Telling you your coping is an insistent need for attention. Funny that- gun to the head, chemical overdose, asphyxia- the result is the same, yet so much is judged on that one decision. People are too quick to judge. These aren’t normal thoughts. What the fuck even is normal?

 

-Hope xx

Blinded

Trying to reconcile the person I knew to the person I now know is difficult. You’re like fresh snow turned brown sludge. Every endearing trait stained dark and black, tainted by jealously and anger. Unharnessed hatred raises her treacherous wings, pulses of abuse and tattered truths. Every memory causes unbidden nausea to rock and throw my stomach, every song carries the threat of dread and pain. I can’t even stand the sight of you today, can’t stand your grating laugh or your kicked puppy eyes. I wish you would just disappear, take your sob story and fuck off to your pretty little lies and fantasies. I’ve been thinking about you a lot, the way you’d flash me a stupid smile, the way you’d pout and whine when I said no. Ironic, the way everything was always my fault. My self conscious mind, the bane of your existence, your childish tantrums when I wouldn’t comply, I never liked complying yet I would. You know all my weak spots, all the emotional weaknesses and the physical points. And I hate it, I’m strong enough to say no. Yet thoughts of you shred my nerves and twist my stomach. So, here’s the deal, you don’t fucking own me, you never did. You just liked the power you had over me, maybe I did too. But now, I’m stronger, better, I know my worth and I have a guy a million times better than you’ll ever be, so fuck you and fuck your story, once you were the light of my world, guess I was just blinded enough to ever let you in.

Advice of the day, don’t date a dick – Hope xx

home

Run. Run away, flee from everything I know and get lost in the fucking world. Let the tears run a river down my cheeks, staring into a bleak landscape through dingy windows. Music beating my heart, pumping my blood, yet I’m not breathing. Cool metal, unyielding against my spine. Cracked lips bitten red, anxiety. Eyelids threaten to shut out the world.

Run. Run away, take off from shelter and warmth and love and safety.

Move away from the life that constricts and binds and ties down. Blink as groggy scenes blur into a thousand lights and fog rises from the ground. Cracks gape forming a deep abyss In the dry ground, choking gas rises. Leave the city and collapse after the home run. Gasp for fresh air, smothered by thick smog, breathe the toxins, lungs filling with heaving chemicals, exhaling life. Chimneys bellow out ash, rivers run crimson, blood streams black. Run away from the safety of home, run away from warmth and welcome darkness.

-Hope x

Can’t stop thinking ’bout your touch

 

Head in the clouds, imagination grasping at every tendril of each memory, replaying every second, every touch, every kiss. Your hand locked in mine, a comforting squeeze and a death grip as I struggle to raise my gaze to the bright screen in front, tears in my eyes. Head on your shoulder, then your chest; every breath felt, your heart hammering, safety and happiness engulf me. Rich coffee, pure warmth, eyes lock on mine and sparks ignite my skin, you didn’t know in that moment but the heat in your eyes sent my heart into a series of somersaults, my stomach twisting knots. God I’m falling for you. In the darkness of your bedroom, credits rolling, another look, drag from lips to eyes. Then I say fuck it…

 

Hands in your hair, soft and harsh and all kinds of perfect. You’re all kinds of perfect. Teeth on teeth, on lips, on tongue. A new confidence dug up, cheeky grins and bitten lips.  The sparks catch, set my skin alight, a fire burning in my heart. Ringing laughter, stunning silences, heavy breathing. Fingers trail paths on your neck, hitched breathing. Your body on mine, god your hands on my body has got to be one of the hottest things ever. In truth, I’d be happy to let you do that everyday for a million years. Harsh whispers in the dim light, part of my soul dies when you tell me I’m hot. Senses on high alert, too bright, too dark, too loud, too quiet, your lips on my neck, hands in my curls. My entire body goes into 8th gear, thoughts stutter to a halt, words can no longer form, shaking arms and absent thoughts. Kissing you feels like alternate reality, where everything has a soft glow and warmth. My hands running up and down your body as our lips meet again and again and again. Bodies moulding together, half lidded eyes staring back up at you, fucked out of reality and clinging to your consuming presence.

God I think I’m going to fall hard, and today I can’t get you off my mind, keeping myself busy to stop every stray thought from dissolving into memories of strong hands and lips, if I close my eye for long enough I can bring every second back to relive it over and over again. And i’m counting down the days until I can next put my lips on yours.

TMI??? I think so, sorry to my friends who are reading this- Hope xx

God I really wanted to kiss you

Hi person who’ll read this, this is about you, enjoy.

When you first showed up in my life i was astounded by you, jealous even, you had it all. The body, the looks, the personality, the brain. Not many people are that blessed. You were like chocolate covered strawberries, blue summer’s skies and fresh, emerald grass. Everything I wanted, turns out in more ways than one.

Your smile would light up the room and your voice would fill me with pure joy, I drowned in every second I had with you, sun scorching our backs. Fearing you’d find out and run. Because as time progressed, I realised one thing. I wasn’t jealous, I wasn’t envious, you weren’t everything I wanted to be; rather everything I wanted to be with. I developed the biggest crush on you. My heart would pound when you’d walk into the room and my stomach would grow a small hoard of butterflies to keep my heart company.

Ironically, from day one I knew I couldn’t have you, your beautiful smile, your bubbly personality. It was never meant to be; because you were straight and I was not. I’m glad I got over that crush which lit up my heart, because from it I’ve gained a friend who cares more than any other, who has so much endless love you can feel it in your bones. Her smile still lights up the room, she’s still azure hues and sun kissed days. But now she has someone who looked at her as if she’s his whole universe. Someone who makes her smile twice as big. And for me, that is more perfect than dating her ever could have been.

So this one’s to you former crush, because fucking hell i really wanted to kiss you.

-Hope xx