Hi I haven’t posted in about 2 months, go me. Have a sad one to make it up to you.
Some trigger warnings, be careful x
It’s been a while since the last time I felt this low. I always forget how bad the crash is, how much I want to rip into my own skin and how strong the urges tug. Eyes sting with tears forming a steady stream, at this point if i wake up tomorrow I’d find the nearest convenient cliff and throw myself off it. God I hate this so much, my entire evening ruined. Everything fucking hurts and I’ve fucked everything up and my parents hate me and I’m a failure and I’ve isolated myself. I hate myself, I hate my brain. I want everything to go away. Please make everything go away, how can I sleep when my brains so awake. Yet when I sleep I don’t want to ever get up again. And now that Ive hurt everyone else I need to hurt myself too. I’m back to square one, thought I’d never be here again, relapse huh? Funny that, at least it isn’t scissors and skin this time. I want to sleep, I want to stay awake. I don’t want to live. I’m overreacting. Fuck everything is too much and all of this is too little and I want to go home but I am home and I don’t know what home is anymore because my brain is such a scary place and that’s not home. Aching, ticking time bomb heart and broken soul yet sometimes not and I wish I was happy again. Have I even been happy or have I been coping and when was the last time I felt numb was it yesterday or was it 3 months ago and why is my life such chaos. Make it stop, dear god I want it to stop. I don’t want to be alive