Thank you for the pain

Your words hurt, you know that right? Every time you assault me with your daggers they pierce my skin and liter it with thousands of scars. But they’re invisible so I’ll guess you’ll never know. Every time you raise your voice and you put me down I take five steps back from the one I took forward. I crumble to the ground when you tell me I’m worthless. It digs into my mind and buries itself into the decaying grooves.

It’ll always be there, you know? If you ever apologise it doesn’t matter, because you’ve said it, those bullets slipped off your tongue easily and repetitively shattered my heart, fragmenting every little piece of me. Because to you I’ll always be nothing, or at least that’s all I can see. It’s become the truth now you know, every word you’ve said has become the truth. Sometimes you forget how much harm your words cause, every argument, every insult, every small action becomes a distant mantra in my brain echoing off the chasm until it’s the only thing I know. And it hurts. The gaping hole can never be filled because you will never accept me. But that’s okay, I deserve this, it’s all true. And the truth hurts. The truth really hurts.

– Hope xx

Crimson

The tears are back. They fall down sodden cheeks like a stream, each orb a well of deeply rooted emotions. They crash against the white tiles and blood drenches her shirt. The crimson red stains harshly to the polished white, the impact on others all forgotten. A teardrop hits the marble counter next to the now empty and discarded bottle of pills, the contents long gone, destroyed by a monster whose hungry for death. Fear claws at her chest, talons scrapping the remains of what once was as her burning stomach causes her to retch and sob. Her ears throb and pound with her heartbeat as pain stabs through her being, shooting up every nerve. The room blurs. Everything is spinning. Maybe the tears will finally stop, maybe the pain will go away. The pounding is back, this time on the door. Screaming. Horrible screeching and sobs of loved ones. The blood trickles down finger tips. Numbness is all. It is everything. The scarlet puddle smears across the walls and floor, etching a permanent memory. Her legs give way. The light starts to fade, the screaming echoing into white noice. Slipping in and out of consciousness now, maybe the pain will end. Then, blackness. Only the shimmering tear painted on her cheek.

I wrote this a while ago, it’s really sad- sorry – Hope xx

image- https://goo.gl/images/4yo2QK

One less heart to break

Dear people who deserve better,

Dear past, present and maybe future self,

I understand that sometimes you want to end it all; The non stop pain; the demons that whisper to you at midnight; the darkness that surrounds you. I understand that sometimes the cacophony of echo in your head makes sense- maybe you should just stop breathing, maybe that would help. Here’s the thing, when you’re at that point, the brink of existence, you’re walking a thin line. Every rational thought leaves your brain, I understand. You’re being choked. You just want the pain to stop. But think. What about your friends?- they love you. What about your family?- they’ll miss you. What about every person who you’ve ever affected in life?- you changed them. You can’t leave life now, you’ll be missing out. You have so much left to live for. There are so many people left to live for. There’s the whole world out there waiting for you to explore it, I know it seem impossible right now but things do get better, you will be loved. You are loved. You will be missed my so many people. This world doesn’t need one less heart to break. We need you here. So lift your head up and keep pushing, because I promise there’s like at the end of the tunnel, if you can’t see it, you just haven’t turned the corner yet. I believe in you and i believe in your ability to survive. I know that it seems like all hope is lost, I know that you want to get rid of the pain. But suicide isn’t your only way out. Sometimes you have to fight your way through. There’s always darkness before there’s light. Always.

-Hope xx

Lies

Here’s a story about my lies. I think you deserve to know because I love you. It starts off small, It always does; just an “I’m fine” or a “Happy to be alive”. I need help, this isn’t normal. Yet it always spirals into something uncontrollable- “I’m safe” – I’m on the brink, I’m on the edge of oblivion. I always have good intentions I promise you that much love, but I can’t keep hurting you like this. It’s physically painful to go on but you can’t see a thing. I wish you could see what I was seeing, just a split second of my life, I think then you’d understand. Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy? Because when the mental, emotional pain becomes too much, I take it out on myself. I can’t take this for much longer. “I’m fine now I promise” – Lie, lie, lie. I’m getting better, I can see the light on the other side. I wish that was still true, I can only see darkness. I promise all my lies are for the best, because I love you- I think I’m sure of that now. But I can’t hurt you. Keep it internal, don’t let the others feel your pain. But honestly sometimes going on seems like too much to handle. I’m on the brink, I need your help. And sometimes that urge becomes too much to control. And then chaos ensues.

“Babe, Are you there?”

“Are you safe?”

“I love you.”

“Answer me”

“Are you alive”

Welcome back to the chaos of my mind, this one was a little hard to write, I tried to use two voices and even a third at the end here. I hope your life is going good. Stay strong. – Hope xx

Just never enough

Too big, too small, not enough, too much.

Why can’t I ever seem to be perfect? I just want a nice body and a pretty face. Beautiful eyes? Plump lips? Nope. I just have a plain face, boring features, thin lips and tired eyes. No flat stomach, thighs that are too big, non existant hips and butt. I just want to change, I just want to be pretty. Curly frizz for hair and glasses that don’t quite sit right, I don’t think I’ll ever be pretty. Those spots that never quite want to leave. The purple weights under my eyes. Make up doesn’t even do the job. Oh how I wish I was pretty. I hate this and I hate that, too embarrassed to stay that vulnerable in front of you- Im Sorry. I wish I was better for you, prettier maybe? Instead you’re stuck with an ugly mess. I wish I was pretty.

This is a mess but a small snippet of my mind right now. I think a lot of teens and young adults have this same thought process on most days, I think we as a community need to try and change that.

Drugs can’t fix my low

6th of June 2017

Low. That’s the words I’d use to describe my disposition right now. Low and sad and miserable and tired. I’m feeling a lot of pressure at the moment; you know when it feels like you have the whole world on your back and everyone around you is piling on the pressure. That’s how it feels. I’m lucky, I have amazing friends who will take some of that load, they make up for my sometimes apathetic parents. I just feel heavy, lack of sleep is draining every part of me like an old iPhone 3 that’s been misused for too many years. I feel stressed and uptight as important exams loom ever closer and school drills it into our shallow and hollow brains that we must do well as it will affect every part of our future. My previous hobbies are doing nothing, they are just wasters of time I no longer want to waste, they’re only adding to the draining, the relatives and coaches as they push me to commit more. Longer hours. Harder training. Gym work three times a week. More. More. MORE. It’s so stressful it feels like I’m drowning and I hate it. It’s ironic because I’m drowning under the pressures of my sport, which so happens to be swimming. Disgustingly ironic. Part of me just wants to give it up, whats the point of doing something I no longer love -but that’s the thing; I know deep down I still do love it but ever since everyone’s decided that it’s their say on how much or little I train or what effect it’ll have on me, I’ve hated it. I no longer have control over my life and i hate it so so much. I feel powerless and useless.

Everyone feels low sometimes, everyone hates what they used to love. Change. It’s a way of life. Maybe it’s something more maybe it’s something less. I don’t know. For now I’m going to wait out this low period and wait for a high so I can once again feel strong and good and independent. Once again feel like me.

-Hope xx

The art of controlling fire

Anger is an odd emotion as it comes in so many different forms for so many different reasons. Right now I feel anger in a frustrated kind of way because I can’t for the life of me focus on my revision. I am constantly being distracted and my brain can’t read properly. This be because of my dyslexia or slight hints of ADHD (I can not say for sure as I haven’t been tested.) But I’m annoyed and frustrated and I don’t know how to react.

That’s the other intriguing thing about anger, how do you react to it? Some people cry, others break things and shout and scream at the top of their lungs. Others try to bottle it up. I don’t know how to cope with my anger and frustration, I normally try to work it out of my system but we all have a point where we can take no more. Where is that point going to be? What will it drive us to do? People don’t like unanswered questions in life. Maybe that’s why we’re so scared of things that we don’t know about. I find it comforting. Maybe that’s where my slight attraction to the thought of death comes from, I’m not sure. But I do know that the anger I’m feeling right know with eventually disperse until then I will write or read or paint or listen to music. That’s my coping mechanism. What’s yours?

~Hope

People and change

Isn’t It odd how the people you hang around with can shape us into totally different people. Sometimes this can be good, sometimes it will be bad. Recently I have noticed more and more habits that I’ve been picking up from my friends. Just small things like the way I say certain things or my sarcasm levels. I’ve always found it interesting, how does your mind manage to change itself to fit into a group or a stereotype. Yet it’s still you. It’s the same you just with small differences and that becomes the new you, until the next time you pick up a new habit. Sometimes I like to think of humans as pieces of clay, from the beginning most people had their parents (or guardian or some sort) to mold them into the people they are. If they had a bad upbringing they could be molded with less precision, a weaker, more confusing mold but it could also make them into stronger, better people. Then when people walk in and out of your life they mold you and your personality, for better or for worse. But some things are rooted in you from the start, some things can never be changed. I like that. The sense of change but with some continuity. Good change. Like the phases of the moon, each one is just as beautiful as the other but it changes and is transformed into a new shape each night. It is still bright and it is still the moon. Good change.

The real problem is when you lose yourself. How do you fix that. Because if there is no you, then you can’t have small changes. What happens when you no longer fit the puzzle, when the clay won’t set, when the moon disappears. What do you do then?

~Hope

Darkness

6th of January 2017

 

Do you ever feel like you’re in a vortex of darkness, like there’s no escape. Even if your life seem ideal , you feel like there’s a huge black hole inside of you; it eats a way at your happiness and threatens doom in every moment. Maybe, just maybe I’m not alone. Maybe somewhere else in this fucked up world that we live in someone relates. I hope that someone reads this, I hope you stay alive. I have no religion but I’m a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason. So far in my journey of discovery I have not found the reason for my suffering but I’m determined that it must be there, somewhere. Some part of me wonders why I’m like this. There’s always that little thought in the back of your head “why me?” Why is it that when your suffering everyone else seems to have everything you want without realising. The truth is, no one has the perfect life. I have the most amazing people in my life, I have opportunities others could only ever dream of.  I am so lucky. But I feel so sad, all the time. WHY? Maybe we need to stop questioning things and we need to start taking them in our stride. Maybe, just maybe.

I was inspired to start this blog by the book I’m reading right now All the bright places by Jennifer Niven. It’s an emotive book, I wonder what it would be like reading it without relating, without understanding. I need something to store my thoughts, like Finch and Violet do. So I guess this is it. Maybe this will flop, but maybe it’ll bring me a new dimension to my life. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see…

~Hope