Air

Like most, I’ve always had a rocky relationship with my body. In our minds nothing can never quite be perfect. Whatever perfect is. Forever trying to fix things that don’t need fixing; to lose mass that doesn’t exist. I’m so self aware of the issue. Anyone who knows me, they know it’s stupid. Yet I can’t stand to look in a mirror and I can’t wear shirts that aren’t three sizes too big. It’s terrifying. There’s a tiny voice in the back of my mind, telling me it’ll never ever be enough. Yet here I am.

I was told, recently that I’d be able to walk without gripping my stomach, if only I lost a little weight. Then I wouldn’t be self conscious. Perfect, why didn’t I think about it. But it’s never enough, a month later and eight kilograms lighter, it still wasn’t enough. I will never be enough in my own eyes. I was told I looked good, but my jeans didn’t fit; I hadn’t eaten a proper lunch in a month and I’m still terrified of most meals. I thought 49kg me would be happier, I was wrong. I can’t not eat all day, my energy is drained and my mood plummets; yet I feel guilty every time I eat something that isn’t a vegetable. The same person who lives on chocolate when sad (that’s a lot) can’t think of meals without feeling mildly sick. It’s exhausting.

I come back from training, so terrified of putting on weight that I’m certain I’m not hungry. I’m wearing baggy clothes when I can and trying not to think about the part of me I can’t stand. It’s ridiculous. In the day of body positivity, I have never felt worse about myself. Everyone is a comparison. Yet you can put any woman in front of me and I could list every thing I find beautiful about her, including every flaw I hate in myself. It goes round and round and round. One step forward, three steps back. 2,000 calories too many in one day. Guilt and fear and genuine sadness over something so inconsequential. And I hate that I’m not alone. Because so many people also can’t look in the mirror, my beautiful friends think they’re anything but perfectly imperfect. And that, that’s what hurts most.

I can’t stand to look in the mirror.

My thighs are too thick and my arms are too fat. My stomach won’t ever be flat. I’m too short, I’m too stocky. Man I hate this body. And now I’m back at square one.

My eyes are too dull, too grey, too bleary. My hair too frizzy, it makes me so weary. I hate wearing glasses, but I hate contacts too. I just wish one day I could be perfect like you.

I just want some proportions that make sense. Tear my hair out, grit my teeth, why is this so painful. Is this what it takes to truly be beautiful. Confidence makes you look hot, so what do I do when I’ve lost all that lot.

Somedays it’s okay, somedays it’s not. Somedays I want to cut bits off. I’m so uncomfortable in here it feels like a cage, put a marker on this come back to this page. Because I know I’m not alone in this thought. There’s a million other people who have been taught.

That they’ll never be pretty enough for anyone and I know that hurts a shit tonne. It’s bull crap we know it yet here we are. Comparing myself to the highest of bars. Hoping that I’m good enough for the standards we made. Man I hate this body, would you like to trade?

Just never enough

Too big, too small, not enough, too much.

Why can’t I ever seem to be perfect? I just want a nice body and a pretty face. Beautiful eyes? Plump lips? Nope. I just have a plain face, boring features, thin lips and tired eyes. No flat stomach, thighs that are too big, non existant hips and butt. I just want to change, I just want to be pretty. Curly frizz for hair and glasses that don’t quite sit right, I don’t think I’ll ever be pretty. Those spots that never quite want to leave. The purple weights under my eyes. Make up doesn’t even do the job. Oh how I wish I was pretty. I hate this and I hate that, too embarrassed to stay that vulnerable in front of you- Im Sorry. I wish I was better for you, prettier maybe? Instead you’re stuck with an ugly mess. I wish I was pretty.

This is a mess but a small snippet of my mind right now. I think a lot of teens and young adults have this same thought process on most days, I think we as a community need to try and change that.