Air

Like most, I’ve always had a rocky relationship with my body. In our minds nothing can never quite be perfect. Whatever perfect is. Forever trying to fix things that don’t need fixing; to lose mass that doesn’t exist. I’m so self aware of the issue. Anyone who knows me, they know it’s stupid. Yet I can’t stand to look in a mirror and I can’t wear shirts that aren’t three sizes too big. It’s terrifying. There’s a tiny voice in the back of my mind, telling me it’ll never ever be enough. Yet here I am.

I was told, recently that I’d be able to walk without gripping my stomach, if only I lost a little weight. Then I wouldn’t be self conscious. Perfect, why didn’t I think about it. But it’s never enough, a month later and eight kilograms lighter, it still wasn’t enough. I will never be enough in my own eyes. I was told I looked good, but my jeans didn’t fit; I hadn’t eaten a proper lunch in a month and I’m still terrified of most meals. I thought 49kg me would be happier, I was wrong. I can’t not eat all day, my energy is drained and my mood plummets; yet I feel guilty every time I eat something that isn’t a vegetable. The same person who lives on chocolate when sad (that’s a lot) can’t think of meals without feeling mildly sick. It’s exhausting.

I come back from training, so terrified of putting on weight that I’m certain I’m not hungry. I’m wearing baggy clothes when I can and trying not to think about the part of me I can’t stand. It’s ridiculous. In the day of body positivity, I have never felt worse about myself. Everyone is a comparison. Yet you can put any woman in front of me and I could list every thing I find beautiful about her, including every flaw I hate in myself. It goes round and round and round. One step forward, three steps back. 2,000 calories too many in one day. Guilt and fear and genuine sadness over something so inconsequential. And I hate that I’m not alone. Because so many people also can’t look in the mirror, my beautiful friends think they’re anything but perfectly imperfect. And that, that’s what hurts most.