I’m putting a bit of a prologue on this post to prevent unnecessary worry. This was written a while ago when I felt really down, not about myself. I am perfectly fine now, this is mainly exaggerated due to emotions at the time. You may notice that I actually took this down after first posting it but here it is again.
MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING
How many pills will it take to kill herself?
How many cuts would it take for her to bleed out? How many intrusive thoughts will she have before she finally bites the bullet? How long does she have left to live? She thinks the heart rate monitor would look pretty, stuttering to a stop. She thinks she’s going insane.
Will her family miss her? I think her best friend would cry. Those kids she teaches, the lies they’ll be told. A minute of silence at the pool. Or maybe just forgotten, after all, who cares. How will she do it, when she finally goes. Her search history knows. Is this the last meal she’ll eat? Will music save her again? Or will the soft melodies be what’s played at the funeral.
When they do the eulogy, will her brother break down? Will he regret his sharp words or will he be impassive and apathetic. She’ll never know. Will her mum be in denial, talk about her future husband and potential kids, or will she realise that it was never important, never a phase. Will they ever understand what she was going through, the lack of support that they gave? Or will they cover it up with memories of a life they couldn’t save.
I hope they remember her never ending smile, the love she tried to give and the hope she once had. I hope they play her favourite bands and dance and sing. I hope she ends up in heaven, not hell like she thinks, with all things pretty and bright. I hope they move on and forget about her, live and love forever more. She hopes this can end the voices in her head. She hopes this means she never had to deal with it again. She hopes and she prays as the rain pores down and she no longer cries at the thought of it now.
She wishes for the end.
-Hope
Mildly Average Expectations 